At the end of my lifetime

I was born somewhere amongst the sleepy town of the queen city of the south. Blessed with a loving parents and a peaceful environment I grew up a typical town lad. Intelligent, curious, attentive yet shy and well mannered. It was a lovely place to live but for a middle class family, life is a struggle.

My parents decided that we leave our hometown for a more upbeat place when I was ten. It was the most difficult time in my adolescent years. I need to bend to a different culture with different kiddie games, to talk and act like I belong and most of all to become accustomed to the unfamiliar dialect that surrounds me. Few months more and I became comfortable.

Since then I’ve lived a healthy life. I grew up competitive and productive. My youthful outlook inspired many and my innocent vigor brought me to the world of leadership.

My idealism was awakened when I attended University. My robustness to what I thought was right intensified. My need to let my opinions be heard deepened. I was short of wealth yet those were the most satisfying days of my life. Was it the feeling of triumph because I was fighting for a cause? Or was it simply the warmth that freedom brought?

I started to live a good life when I left University. Abundance was how I've recalled it. I was able to help my family, aimed for a higher education for my siblings. I was able to fill our humble abode with things that I previously dreamed about. I was happy to send financial support to my parents and bought them gifts that I could easily afford. But with abundance comes temptation. Given all those fortune, I was introduced to the easiest way to consume it...gambling, bar hopping, sniffing, and the likes. My ones innocent existence was tainted with vices that later brought mist to my radiant future.

Discontentment was what made me took a bolder step. I leaped to the opportunity of becoming a self-sustaining entrepreneur. It was something that I’ve been thinking a lot and imagined myself rose with fame and fortune of a tycoon. I unfortunately ended at the other side of the road. The fortune that I’ve been dreaming of failed to meet me half way. 

Then came the darkest days of my life. I became involved with something that I philosophically detest. Since the situation gave me the slenderest hole to get away with it, I was forced to immerse myself into the hot water and decided to give it a try. It was the worst decision that I’ve ever made. It has stolen away the fire in my heart...came the years of uncertainty and false contentment. Later I saw myself nursing the morsels of what was left of me.

I am now able to see the light…or have I? I have gone out of the hole that imprisoned me for years…or did I? I am now picking up my life and walking at a brighter path…I’m sure I am…I’m sure I’m not. I admit I'm confused. My thoughts are chaotic but my heart is certain unto what I want, yet my actuality refuses to follow my heart's desire. I am thinking of other and doing otherwise. 

I hope to live the life that I've dreamt of…I hope to pick up those scattered pieces…I hope to again see the real me…even if it's at the end of my lifetime. 

Reflection

Amidst the shadowy shade of leaves and sweet scent of wood I walked. There I met a gloomy child with a tear stained face and a soulful eyes.

“Why so pale and wan little one?”

“I’ve fought so many battles; I lose some and won many. The taste of victory was sweet but the losses left me scarred and bruised.”  She said.

I followed her along the stony path as she continued talking.

“My life is a gallery of lesson. I believe that strength depends on reason; that no load is heavy when the heart is not greedy; that without pain you cannot appreciate gain; do not be pushed by your problems instead be led by your dreams; that to lose without fighting is to live without living; that man’s only need is to be needed; that happiness is not about getting greater net worth but about cultivating greater self worth; that laughter does not always cure pain but rather hide the hurting. And most especially, a heart that is open to appreciate every blessing should be bigger than the eyes that see what is missing.”

She turned to me and smiled.

“Years passed me by yet I remained a child, inside my armor I hide. Afraid to grow yet continue to fight.”

Looking into her I come to realize, that it was my reflection I see swarming in her eyes.

to believe...

“Care?! A scheme to make me dependent to you and you call that care?!”

She had just received the greatest insult of her life.

She is a woman of strength, influence and vigor, but deep inside she is a vulnerable fool. She could put up a show of gaiety and can make anything sound rational and easy.

He is a man of power and supremacy. A man who could always capture your attention even if you don’t desire it. Yet, he is also a man of longing…a longing that only he can explain…only he can understand.

She met him in one of that gay event. They clicked and started going together. It was a clashed of personality that molded a bind of friendship and she hopefully thought of respect. It’s like walking in two separate directions then meeting halfway.  A path of intellectual learning, a dance on fire and ice. The beauty of sharing absurd ideas and impeccable dreams, of understanding imperfections and flaws. A journey to fantasy and reality. A life under the cycle of the moon.

On one of those bad days a gut was spilled. He was so angry at things she was not able to comprehend. He called her evil hiding those evil doings by looking like an angel. Call her care a scheme to put him under her spell. A scheme to make him dependent to her and call it an insult to his being.  She was hurt…deeply hurt. His words are like swords that cut through her heart…words that she can barely forget. Yet, she knew that she can’t let go.

…despite the hurt and humiliation, she will continue to support him, care for him, to hold his hands…simply because she BELIEVES.

***a tribute to somebody…a way to set her free from bitter feelings and self pity. 

Happiness

When can you say that you are truly happy?

People tend to equate happiness with reaching their goal, achieving what they want to achieve or just simply having a lot in life to enjoy.

Happiness to me is when I am not feeling self-doubt, depressed, hateful, worried, unsatisfied, bored, guilty, discontented, stressed, frustrated, upset, envious, jealous, annoyed... It is something that I consider unachievable (in my life of course).

Life is such a long journey with a lot of bumps and turns. I come to meet different people, each with different identity. I encountered different experiences, some are to be remembered and some are best to be forgotten. In between those experiences comes a ray of happiness. For me, it is not a destination but a journey. It is a part of the bits and pieces of my life. I said a ray of happiness because there was never a time I felt that I am truly happy.

I am a positive thinker and I believe that everything is just a state of mind. Given a situation, outcome will depend upon how I would react to it. I was always able to say I made it through the rain. But that doesn’t mean I am happy. Happiness is the absence of those unhealthy feelings that I’ve mentioned above and unfortunately one or two never leave my side.

Happiness in my own definition is SERENITY.

Hero of the Modern Time

An entry about HEROES caught my attention while I was reading the Reader’s Digest November 2009 issue. It was entitled “Teacher on Wheels”. It talks about how an average high school teacher made a difference to some street children’s lives. 

Arnel Laparan, a 5 year old boy had to work in a food stall to help support his family after the death of his father. He insisted on going to school even if it’s going to make his life harder. Worn down by all the work, he was ready to give up when he reached the fifth grade then a remark from his teacher changed his life. One day she told the class that if they studied, they’ll go places. That motivated Arnel to study harder. 

He finished high school and received a scholarship from the Philippine Normal University and graduated with a degree in education. He got a job teaching math in a private school for boys and volunteered at the school’s adult classes in the evening. He found his adult class very rewarding. It was a way to his right calling. Seeing the students struggle to get high school education at their ripe age was very inspiring – to Arnel. 

After 9 years, he resigned from his well-paid job and returned to his birthplace. His aim was to educate street children for free. 

He started holding informal classes under a large tree and expanded his efforts by walking or hitching a ride to a nearby impoverished area and later borrowed bicycle with a large sidecar from his neighbor and loaded them with school supplies and text books with a chalk board attached to the front bearing his motto “Education can be found anywhere. It is one’s avenue to wisdom and progress.” His animated way of teaching attracted lots of street children. 

The bicycle allows him to visit remote areas that are notorious for gang wars. Many of his students have been out of school for years. He also offers adult education to help out-of-school youths get the equivalent of a high school diploma. He does not receive any outside funding but accepts donations of school supplies and food for the students. 

Reading his story made me realize that helping others will not be hindered by the lack of resources like wealth and such. In Arnel’s case, his sincerity and dedication to help become his strength. To quote him, “I want to bring quality education to as many children and adults living in poverty as possible. Everyone deserves a chance.” 

God Bless to this hero of the modern times.